There are capstone and cornerstone relationships. cornerstone happens when the two people start their relationship young and develop together. the challenge then is it individuate. capstone happens when two people start their relationship later in their respective lives. the challenge then is to merge two more distinct individuals.

there are two relationships in life unlike any other: with your caretaker and with your romantic partner

our brain uses the same neural circuitry to navigate romantic relationships as it did for navigating our caretaker relationship. it’s not clear why.

repetition compulsion (seeking out dynamics similar to the ones we grew up with) could be a subconscious effort to resolve the problems that existed with our caretaker relationships.

naming is helpful when it expands your understanding of something not when it locks you into narrow paradigms that aren’t accurate

you can’t be curious and stressed simultaneously. when we learn to love with a sense of burden + responsibility, it can be difficult to find healthy love dynamics in a romantic relationship. it can decouple love from desire. you learn to love without desire.

lots of time infidelity stems from people not looking for something else in a partner but looking for a part of themselves brought out by another. they are looking for a feeling of aliveness.

relationship calculus: how do i get close to you without losing me? how do i stay close to me without losing you?

in every relationship there’s usually one person more scared of losing the other person and the other person more scared of losing themselves.

sexual fantasies are a window into someone’s deepest emotional needs

you will never be perfectly ready for a relationship. the real question is who do you want to do the work with

relationship issues are not problems to solve but paradoxes to learn to manage