I got a lot of attention as a kid and didn’t know how to handle being at school and no longer being the center of attention. I have continued to crave that attention and have learned more skillful ways to attain it. Not by acting out and forcing it on me but rather by earning it.

There might be an unhealthy enmeshment my mom has in me. This is common when someone doesn’t have their emotional needs met elsewhere (growing up + in their romantic relationship). My mom might see me as an extension of her rather than as my own individual person. This could explain why she got so angry at me for not trying in my soccer game when I was younger. This could explain all of the times she got so angry at me. She viewed me as an extension of her so my failures were her failures.

One reason I don’t trust my own judgment is that I didn’t grow up with healthy models of decision-making. My mom was overly involved. My dad was under-involved. My mom made my decisions for me, which never allowed me to build the decision-making muscle for myself.

I am scared to tell my mom certain things that would be stressful for me because I am worried that she will internalize the stress even more (enmeshment) at which point my resources would have to be diverted to helping her regulate rather than dealing with the problem I was having originally.

My mom got really mad at me after I played poorly in a soccer game because she saw me as an extension of her rather than a separate person. She internalized my shortcomings as her shortcomings.

In the instances where my mom seems resentful or disapproving of things I do, they are all cases of me asserting my judgment over hers. She is used to me completely following her judgment and her being able to control me, so when I assert my own judgment over hers, that doesn’t sit well.

I need to separate intimacy from intrusiveness. I need to put an end to some of the dynamics that are problematic in my relationship with my mother. This is my mom’s way of expressing care. It feels controlling to me. Here are some ways you can express care for me. Setting boundaries is not creating distance.

When someone recommends a song, I perceive them as being controlling and intrusive with their judgment. My mom doesn’t make recommendations. She is controlling and intrusive. You “have to do this.” The reason why I don’t like admitting I like a song someone sends me is that I don’t want to cede the higher ground. Narcissism is a pathological refusal to be vulnerable.

The common thread between my patterns is my not wanting to cede the higher ground. It is my fear of being vulnerable which is not feeling safe / secure.

As a child, security is associated with praise. What you get praised for is what you come to associate with safety. I got praised for entertaining people / getting their attention, athletic achievement, academic achievement, being kind / well-mannered / polite.

I read that in enmeshment the child is never truly themselves. I sometimes feel like when I’m with my family I fall back into an old pattern. I don’t feel like myself.

I felt like I was responsible for my mom’s emotional well-being growing up. This is a lot of pressure for a younger person to shoulder. It also made me feel special to be in that situation. I have repeated those patterns to some extent in work and friendship dynamics but particularly in romantic relationships (being the main source of emotional wellbeing).

My conflict style growing up was to make sure I regained the upper hand by giving the silent treatment until the other party acquiesced.

There is functionally no overlap between what I want to talk about and what my dad wants to talk about which leads to me not feeling like myself / willing to express myself during family dinners.

I often struggle to feel seen by others. There are few people in my life who I have truly felt seen by. The person who arguably saw me the most clearly ever is a past flame.

I can be more positive in how I frame things. Maybe I’m not uncertain maybe I’m just flexible. Maybe I’m not lost I’m just searching. Perspective can be powerful. Be careful not to spin things too negatively unnecessarily.

You can’t just decide you believe in yourself. You need to prove it through experience. Reality is a great learning mechanism. It is always reinforcing or redirecting. It requires action though.

I have low distress intolerance which actually can be a good thing even though conventional psychology literature talks about increasing it for people. If your distress intolerance is too high you can continue to do things that are bad for you (abusive relationships). If it’s too low you won’t try things that are scary. But if it’s a good level you will avoid things that are bad for you which is a good thing. This is conditioned growing up based on how frequently you are denied things as a child and having to deal with that frustration.

It can be isolating and frustrating to feel like you know more than other people. Especially when the dynamic switches with your parents from being totally dependent on them as young children to feeling like you know better (for the direction of your life specifically).