Attachment is our body’s way of remembering what worked in the past to keep us alive and repeating similar behavior in the future. It is sometimes functional and often not healthy. Just because something helped us survive in the past doesn’t mean it is a good strategy / mechanism to use in the future.

How we relate to others is a product of how other related to us when we were younger.

We can’t change what we don’t know. When we know better we can do better.

Different states of our nervous system:

• Self regulating: no need to protect against anything, this is where pleasant experiences occur. Here we are in the drivers seat. This is a learned skill in childhood. No one js born able to self regulate
• Sympathetic response: actively seeking attention from someone who can help us regulate our emotions. This is learned behavior in childhood. Anxious attachment occurs when children aren’t made to feel safe without their caregiver. Fear and excitement are both associated with the sympathetic nervous system.
• Avoidant: we avoid connection because we grew up around dangerous people where connecting with them could have harmed us physically. It’s pitted against our fundamental desire to connect with others.
• Disorganized: when caregivers are sometimes a source of safety and sometimes a source of danger. We often go into freeze. It’s pitting of avoidant and sympathetic systems.

The key to raising a child with healthy attachment is to create a space for the child where they feel safe but aren’t coddled.

Once we heal, we are no longer subconsciously inclined to repeat the patterns of our childhood.

Good things can be neurologically overwhelming if we are not properly healed. This is why so many people self sabotage.

Attuned co-regulation: fostering healthy bonds / attachments with others intentionally rather than repeating old patterns of unhealthy attachment

When your reaction doesn’t match the situation, you are time traveling to historic patterns. Your nervous system thinks you’re in your childhood when the patterns were initially developed.

Coping strategies vs regulating resources. Regulating resources make us feel safe, coping strategies numb.